My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
