i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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