i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
