I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
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Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
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I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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