So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
