I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
