I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
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And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
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This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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