did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
