The maid of honor just puked.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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