Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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