We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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