Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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Randomize
