he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
