dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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