I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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