You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
