If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Randomize
