That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
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It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
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What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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