Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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