I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Are we still banned from the library?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
