The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
