think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
