remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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