I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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