I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
