he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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