well you can't waste a boner
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
