its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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