No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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