Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
