Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
