She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
