The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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