No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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