I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I DEMAND FORESKIN
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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