Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
