I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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