On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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