why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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