Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
