Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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