i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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