I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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