why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
