This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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