I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
