Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
