the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
