You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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