Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
