You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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