I was born with a shot glass in my hand
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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