I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just threw up on my dentist
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
