FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
