I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
