you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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