I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
im holly from the hills drunk
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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