Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize