He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
