so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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