Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
